


Kirie, Please Make Jokes about This for the Next 20 Years.

by NOT_Kirie_Goshima



Category: Uzumaki
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Azami is a dick, But Still Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossdressing, F/M, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-10 23:37:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4412324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NOT_Kirie_Goshima/pseuds/NOT_Kirie_Goshima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Shuichi comes up with a very creative way of avoiding his stalker/sexual harasser, and the Goshima family will never let him live it down, and Azami fails yet again at trying to get Shuichi into bed with her. TL;DR Shuichi crossdressing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kirie, Please Make Jokes about This for the Next 20 Years.

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that this takes place in 1952. The characters’ views on crossdressing may offend some people, as gender roles were even stricter back in the mid-20th century. I personally don't care if someone wants to dress as the opposite sex.

Running away didn’t work. Locking the door didn’t work. Locking the windows and doors and holing up in the bathroom didn’t work. No matter what Shuichi did, Azami always came to his house at the same time each night and…well, the usual for her. Even if he left his hosue before she could get there, she always tracked him down! Creepy-ass stalker. 

What to do, what to do…maybe Shuichi could try hiding his face or something, disguises were good. Nah, he’d already tried that. Was there anything he hadn’t tried? Hell–he would even help Torino-san with his whole ‘galaxy obsession’ thing if it’d get Azami away from him, permanently!

***

So far, Azami hadn’t managed to get as far as she wanted to get with Shuichi. Not once! Oh sure, she’d been able to get much farther than Shuichi actually wanted her to–getting into his house was hard, but pinning him down and feeling him up was not–but that wasn’t enough for Azami. So, like every night these past two weeks or so, Azami put on her hat to hide the tiny (but growing) hole in her face, and set out towards the Saito house with the same goal as always: Shuichi. 

***

Ugh, this is tight. Now I understand why women don’t like these things. Shuichi finished tightening the corset he was wearing, before quickly grabbing one of his mother’s dresses and putting it on. He actually laughed at the sight of himself in the mirror; he almost looked like a woman! 

Funny enough, that was actually his goal this time. Hiding his face didn’t work when running away from Azami, but Azami would never suspect cross-dressing. Not in this day and age. It was considered utterly unacceptable. Social taboo. So, Shuichi had figured that cross-dressing was his best bet on escaping.

He was lucky his mother had used hair extensions, as his short hair would probably have given him away; after finishing with the hair extensions and makeup, Shuichi was fairly certain he looked like a particularly tall woman. At any rate, he certainly didn’t look like himself.

Fighting the urge to burst into a fit of giggles, Shuichi ran for the back door and hoped he wouldn’t need much more of an escape plan.

***

Azami found all the doors locked, as usual. She picked the lock on the front door, as usual. She scrutinized the entire house, as usual. Decidedly, the whole damn place was empty. Hadn’t Shuichi learned that running away was futile? Azami always found him. Always.

Chuckling darkly to herself, Azami left the Saito house to go look for Shuichi. He couldn’t have gone far. That poor boy couldn’t stand being alone out of his house! He’d have a breakdown and be even easier to find.

There was nobody outside except Azami, as far as she could see. Everyone was in their houses. Nobody to ask–hold on. There was somebody. Aha! Azami ran over to the other person.

“Excuse me, miss?”

The taller woman squeaked in surprise, before whirling around to face Azami, evidently startled.

“Y-yes?”

“Just wondering if you’ve seen a really tall skinny guy with curly black hair and glasses? Most likely running away from something?”

“Uh, n-no, can’t say that I have. Hm. Anyway, I, uh, I have somewhere to be. Terribly sorry. I’m afraid I can’t help you look for, er, whoever you’re looking for.”

With that, the other woman ran off. Azami was somewhat surprised, but she didn’t give up hope. She ran in the opposite direction.

***

“MO-OM! There’s a random woman passed out on our doorstep!”

“Probably drunk. I heard there was a big party going on at my favorite bar, kinda wish I was there now. Anyway, if she’s totally out cold, the guest room is empty.”

“’Kay.”

Kirie had no trouble carrying the probably drunk girl upstairs to the guest room; she weighed next to nothing. Funny, she didn’t look like she was just at a party. Her dress was way too long, and her hair and makeup weren’t done at all. Bah, who cares–hold on. Did her hair just…

Extensions. Kirie quickly found that the random woman’s hair was actually very short. Huh. 

***

The next day, Kirie went to the guest room as soon as she woke up. Explaining to drunk people where they were and what had happened was not uncommon for the Goshimas, as they lived not too far away from several bars (and Mrs Goshima herself often came home drunk, passed out, and did the whole ‘where the hell am I’ thing). 

There was definitely a voice coming from the guest room, and it certainly sounded slurred, but it also sounded…er, very much male, and more importantly, it was a very very familiar voice to Kirie.

“Ugh…where the…this room…hold on, is this the Goshimas’ place? Oh, thank goodness–Kirie. Ah. I, uh…”

Uh, what?

“S-Shuichi? What gives? Why are you cross-dressing? What the…”

Shuichi looked absolutely mortified.

“I…y’see, I…I can explain. Azami was–”

“You were running away from Azami.”

“Yes. A-and nothing else ever works, so, uh. On the up-side, I finally found an effective way to avoid her. She never suspected a thing.”

“On the other up-side, you make a very pretty woman.”

“Oh, for the love of…Kirie, please don’t.”

It was true, Shuichi really did look pretty as a girl. Which may or may not have had something to do with the fact that he was a very feminine-looking guy in the first place. But still. Kirie hadn’t thought he was really that desperate to get away from Azami!

“So, why’d you pass out?”

“Maybe it was the fact that I ran halfway across town, which is exhausting enough on its own, but factor in the sleep and food deprivation, and the fact that I’m wearing a particularly tight corset, yeah, I passed out from exhaustion and shortness of breath. That answer all your questions? Oh, and can you help me get this corset off? It hurts.”

The whole time, Kirie couldn’t stop giggling. This was the funniest thing she’d ever seen in her life. Ever. 

“Kirie?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re never gonna let me live this down, are you?”

“Ooooh no. Nope. Nah. Never. Ever. Muahaha, be afraid–”

Suddenly, as if things couldn’t get any worse (or better, at least for Kirie),

“Kirie, is everything alright up there? You’re usually downstairs for breakfast by ten o’clock!”

“Mom. Mom, guess what?”

“What is it, Kirie?”

“Kirie please don’t say anyth–”

“That woman who we found last night?”

“Yes, what about her?”

“It was Shuichi, in drag. Not even kidding!”

“Wait, what?”

The sound of footsteps coming up the stairs echoed throughout the house, before Kirie’s mother appeared in the doorway.

“Well! Of all the things I didn’t expect of such a well-brought-up child!”

“Please, Mrs Goshima. I had a good reason, I was avoiding a stalker.”

“Alright, but you look hilarious. Kirie, please make jokes about this for at least the next twenty years.”

“I will, mom.”

“Guys! Please! I’m already embarassed enough!”

Kirie smirked evilly.

“Well, you’re gonna get even more embarassed.”

“Please don’t tell everyone in Kurozu-Cho. They already think I’m crazy, don’t add to that!”

“Oh no, don’t worry, I’m not gonn tell people. I’m just gonna make jokes about this for years.”

Shuichi facepalmed. Kirie hoped she could get a picture of her boyfriend in a dress.


End file.
